So I mentioned before I don't like field trips....but I cried this morning because I couldn't make it to one.
First time I don't go with one of my kids to a field trip since we moved here and I felt so bad I couldn't believe I was the same person. Let's see, getting out of riding a bus with 40 kids AND getting muddy at a pumpkin field? I would have yelled: Priceless! Not anymore. Something has changed in my life and I guess I've had a "paradigm" shift or something major like that happen to me...A quantum moment? perhaps, but the truth is I would have done anything to be with my kid today. Sure I've got good reasons that made it impossible for me to be there and that's the main point of this entry, still, I realize now that my life will never be the same after this "sabbatical" with my kids is over. Life will not be the same and I will not be the same
This blog always allows me to put things in perspective and not take anything for granted. The pain and deep sadness I felt this morning when I waved bye to my kid from the classroom door was only as intense as the jealousy -the "good" kind - I felt for the other parents who were going. Although my kid didn't make any demands and he understood the reasons why I wasn't going with him, I walked away with tears in my eyes and realized that I'll never again mistake a privilege for a God-given-right. "Treasure every moment" I've heard before but never I had truly experienced it like this morning. Granted, the reasons for missing the field trip were sound - I had to stay home due to the different school schedules for the boys this year- yet, I had the horrible realization this was the first of many school-related events I will have to miss. I've had to juggle two school schedules for Frankie and his ABA hours at home, including a change from morning class to afternoon class so he can have enough time in the day to get it all done - yes, I'm stretching myself thin and it has proven to be so far THE most stressful school year of my life! Everyone is feeling the pressure, even if I am constantly saying:"It's all temporary," "It's just this year," still, we all have made sacrifices, including Frankie. As a matter of fact, this is not "the" first field trip that I have missed this year - I missed one for Frankie last week because I didn't even realize that it was scheduled! with the many activities for both his schools, I have to sharpen my organization skills, which are already pretty shaky!, and this one trip fell through the cracks! At least it was a "walk" to visit the nearby supermarket so I got over it a little faster than Victor's pumpkin farm - I felt horrible but no tears were shed! Wait, let me not forget that I couldn't even volunteer to be a chaperon for Rebecca's first Middle School "dance" - more like jumping and running with dim lights and loud music after school - nevertheless, a very important experience for her - one that I missed. I don't think Rebecca wanted me there or minded much that I couldn't make it but I still feel like I should have done it, even if it was just to get on her bad side!
Funny, if you ask me, that I feel this way when I remember all those years, back when I was a career woman and seldom made it to a field trip. If I only knew then that one day I would drive away in tears after watching my kid get on a yellow bus to go pick pumpkins!!! I know that when I pick him up this afternoon he will be happy with his pumpkin and all sorts of stories about his field trip. Perhaps by then, he would have forgotten that mom didn't make it to the trip with him. I know I will still remember...at least for a little while longer.