Light it up BLUE for Autism this April 2nd, 2012

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In my daugther's laugh

I seldom write on my blog about my daughter, Rebecca . It's a shame and I am sorry. I am going to fix that today because I just discovered something: we have the same laugh! Yes, we don't look alike - we have never even looked like we are related but thanks to a special gift from an amazing photographer, we learned we have the same laugh....

I wasn't planning to be in Becca's 15th birthday photos because this session was about her and about her only. I didn't dress for it, and I had hardly any make up on - even my hair was messy! It felt so awkward when Carly, our photographer, asked me to join Becca for a shot. "You have to trust me!" she said. So I did.

See, Becca doesn't get much attention these days; she is kind of on "auto pilot" ever since our lives went on "Autism mode" with our youngest child - add a middle child with ADHD-overload and you get an eldest daughter who needed to mature fast.....sadly, there wasn't much time left for her. We got lucky because Becca was born old; sometimes I think she is an old soul who has been here many times and yet, because of that, she manages to stay a child at heart. I think she always will. She doesn't ask for much; she blends in the background and is hassle-free to raise. I do feel guilty sometimes that I don't have to deal with many issues when it comes to Becca - more like none. Honestly, it would tip me over the edge to face teenage drama when our house is an ABA-center, treating tantrums, meltdowns and emotion regulation issues all at once - so I am grateful and I count my blessings, starting with a special daughter like Becca.

Besides all the fun stuff we have planned for her 15th birthday I did want to keep one thing traditional; the Quince Photo Session. Still, I didn't want it to be traditional, on the contrary, I wanted to capture and share with the ones who love her, the real spirit of being young, beautiful and most of all, kind and simple. This is a lot to ask from a photographer! I wanted her to capture the very essence of what makes a daughter special for her mother.... Really??? I agree, it was an unreasonable expectation but I found Carly and she did more than what I expected.....

Carly took pictures, yes, but she also helped me discover that a lot of what Rebecca is, she has learned from me - perhaps I am not slacking off so much on paying attention to Rebecca the way I sometimes feel. Perhaps, facing Autism as a family has also made her become more compassionate, more patient and it has given her a sense of belonging. We all have a common goal in this family and it is to make each others lives better, easier and fun. Most of all, we do strive to have FUN. We cry sometimes but we mostly laugh - and whether the going gets tough or it gets easier, Becca and I walk together - Countless times, she picked me up when I was falling into an ugly hole and she would offer a listening ear....she also made me laugh when I really didn't see anything funny about long hours of early intervention sessions and missing our family in Florida.

I know a photographer doesn't work magic, but an artist, who has a true passion for her art, can strive to find the magic in others.....Carly did find it in Becca. Because I believed she had a gift, Carly in turn gave me one. I trusted her when she told me to do so....I hugged my daughter, kissed her and laughed together because I do love her laugh.

Wait, it's also MY laugh!

Like mother like daughter, they say..... In this case, it probably is the other way around.

Thanks, Carly, we owe you one!

When you least expect it....the sun comes out.

It rains in Seattle....a lot. Winter is cold and gloomy and the rain is freezing. When it's not raining, it's still dark and sometimes windy. And then, out of a sudden, there it is - the sun comes out and it surprises all of us. After days and days of being cold to the bones, wearing your boots and feeling like your coat is an extension of your body, the sun comes out and you reach for your shades because it hurts your eyes, so used to the shadows of this season. A winter sunny day is a true miracle for us here in the Pacific Northwest. The sun shines and it changes everything! Strangers in the street, at the market, at school, smile, wishing each other a nice day because the sun is shinning. You often hear: "get out there and enjoy the sun!" "Hey, it's sunny today, make it count!" - It's like the sun alone is reason enough to be happy, no matter what. The kids look forward to getting out to the playground because the sun is shinning and they don't have to have "indoor" playtime. It's like there is a big party and everyone is invited to join.

Around here, everything looks different when the sun shines - it's like things are not so hazy anymore and you can see that what looked scary in the darkness, it's not so bad once there is light. Your fears, your hesitation, your lack of hope; it all gets erased away because you can see how small your problems really are and that all it takes to face them is to wait for the rain to stop. And the rain does stop and usually, it does when you least expect it - then, the sun shines and it makes it all better. Hey, what can I say? I am easily amused and small wonders just take my breath away. Today was one of those days. When I looked up in the middle of a rainy, cold morning, and I saw the sun, I smiled because it always reminds me that no matter how long bitter winter days might be, there will always be a sunny day in store. The good Lord knows that we need this sunny day that brings hope and promises of better tomorrows yet to come. Because good things do come to those who wait.

To be really honest, I'm just exhausted and worn out from the winter, the cold, the rain, the wind, the snow and the trials and errors to make things work for my kids, especially Frankie. It's tiring to wait and hope and then to try again when it didn't work. But there is always tomorrow and that might be the lucky day when what you are trying out would work and then it would just be like a sunny day in the middle of winter - a true miracle. The unknown makes me uneasy and it makes me fearful, especially when I don't see immediate results but I press on. When it gets dark in my life and I want to stop, I push myself to keep on going because there is always someone who will have a flashlight and will offer to light the way for me. When it's cold or rainy on my path, I get plenty of umbrellas and coats along the way and better yet, I often get the arm of a friend around my shoulders to keep me warm and keep me company along the way.

On a clear day like today, it's easy to realize that although nothing might be falling into place in my life or in yours, the most important thing is to keep on going, one day at a time, because after many grey days, you are bound to find a sunny day along the way - when you do, just stop, enjoy it and treasure it, because in the winter, they are not easy to come along.

The best day ever!

"...Thanks a lot, thanks for the wonder in me....."

Thanksgiving is an American holiday, granted, but it's also THE holiday that should be adopted by everyone in the world, regardless of religion or believes. So, from here on, I declare, Thanksgiving day in our house will be The De Armas Happy Feast! Sure, we will still eat Turkey (and pork, and rice and beans, and flan, and Cuban bread....etc) and all the fixings but we will also be thankful because we have faith and we have hope and now we can say that ALL of us in this family have finally learned to believe.

We are, indeed a family of believers. I confess to be the biggest offender at never giving up when others tell me to let it go. Raci has learned to trust me and takes most chances along with me. Rebecca is more of a stubborned person than a believer but I am not complaining - it's part of her charm and it gets the job done. Victor, well, that kid is just so good he will believe and trust until the day he dies. Now, Frankie is another story. Believing? Trusting? Not a chance! Well, on the best day ever, on the day that marks our Happy Feast, all that changed, thanks to a Kindergarten Fall Festival and two wonderful teachers who have helped him try and try again.

Frankie has been working with his Developmental Kindergarten teacher on a "blending" program, where Kindergarten students in self-contained classrooms have an opportunity to join the General Ed, Full-day Kindergarten class during the day, for academic or recreational time, based on their ability to cope with the requirements. I must say it was not easy at the beginning and we were both very, very scared. This was something that terrified Frankie and made me hesitant. Still, we took the plunge and the process has been amazing for him. In less than two months, he's spending more and more time in the General Ed class, without support or an aid and doing the work his peers are doing. He doesn't always finishes his work so he brings it home - no matter how much complaining and whining, he has learned the work doesn't go away. He has to finish it and he does. When he turns it in and brings it back with a star or a nice comment, his face is lit up brighter than our Christmas tree! I volunteer on Mondays and Fridays to help with a special activity they have in Kindergarten called "stations" where the kids have the opportunity to move around the classroom as a small group to experience different kinds of fun learning stations....I did it at first to be there to coach Frankie and see first hand how he was coping with his "blending" - the possibility of bullying, teasing and mean words that can hurt more than punches had me terrified and I wanted to make sure I was there to re-direct. Well, what I found is that Frankie can hold his own ground and that he is stimulated to learn by the challenges he has to face in a General Ed setting. Most importantly, he is willing to TRY. No matter how much we praised him before, "I can't" was his motto. You would tell him he had a positive trait or a great ability and he will answer right away with a "No, I am not - No I don't!" - it was frustrating and sad at the same time. As he spends more time on a General Ed setting, he believes he can do the work and what is expected of him as a "November Kindergartner." He can listen, follow directions, ask for help, and be part of a team....that's all perhaps not a big thing for a typically developing five-year-old but it's a huge thing for him and for us.

The best part of this process is that Frankie was invited to participate in the Kindergarten Fall Festival this year, along with the General Ed class! He worked and worked and practiced and practiced and I am sure it must have been a painful process to follow the words AND body movements of six songs, one poem and one dance. Frankie would have melt downs in his preschool music class and will refuse to do PE because of his motor issues and challenges with coordination....I couldn't imagine him participating in a performance with twenty more kids and struggling to keep up without crying or breaking down. Well, he did. When he brought home the card inviting us to attend I was even afraid to ask the teacher if it had been a mistake. I figured, hey, if they are willing to give it a shot, so am I - let's do this thing! I tried not to build it up so much so he wouldn't give up before trying and at the same time, I tried to make a bit of noise just enough to get him excited about it...it was a hard balancing act! When the day came for the performance, he would not tell us what it was about - there was no getting a word out of the kid and his major thing was that the parents would be really surprised and proud of the Kindergarten class. Frankie was so happy to see us at the library when the class walked in he started clapping at us....awkward, since none of the other kids were doing it but I didn't care - he kept on telling us how much we would love what they were going to do and he was not wrong - it was the best performance I have ever watched because it was a display of self-confidence, trust, persistence and most of all, of hope. All of that wrapped up with a dose of Kindergarten charm. I could have not asked for a better show.

When the time came for the show to end and parents asked for an encore, "the dance" number was up and the "wipe out" song started playing. Oh, man, the hand movements, the jumping, the SURFING! Not all the kids did it right but they did it and so did our Frankie. He DID it! He believed he could do it and he did. That's enough reason to feast, and feast and feast! At the end of that night, during our praying time together, he told me that he "will never forget this day" but I am sure it's just the first one of many more wonderful days to come because he found a little switch inside that allows him to try HIS best, and to be proud of his accomplishes. That makes all the difference in the world and it's what Thanksgiving is all about; being grateful for realizing that what really matters in life is always inside of you.